


Dear Kageyama

by MelissMySiss



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Heart Disease, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Sadness, Volleyball, i'm sorry this got so out of control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 01:10:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4809230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelissMySiss/pseuds/MelissMySiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A relationship seems perfect until life decides to happen in the worst ways</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Kageyama

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in a really long time and actually this has been on my computer for months unfinished. AND now it is finally done! Ha... Ya well this got really out of control what is this like 20,000 words. I think that is one of the longest fics i have ever written.  
> Anyway I had this idea in my head a long time and I could never bring myself to finish it. I think you might recognize the little comics that this story is based off of. People use them all the time and since I can't draw I thought I would write one instead. 
> 
> There is also a portion in here that is actually based off of a little Kagehina comic if anyone can find it before me that would be great. Because I found it when i started this and now I don't know where it is... Struggle
> 
> Anyway enjoy all the heartbreak that this is and feel free to point out mistakes I will fix them

I had to speak first. I don’t know why. But they told me that it seemed only right that I be the one to speak first. So I stood. My hands were shaking and my right one was clutching the words I wanted to say. The paper was crinkled and I knew there were blotches and tears stains running through every word, but it didn’t really matter anymore. As I stood and walked to the podium I felt a silence fill the room. Everyone had been quiet already, there were a few faint whispers, but now as I stood in front of all those staring faces it felt like a barrier had been put up, blocking out even the smallest noise.

  
A shaky breath came out as I set my paper in front of me. Something was stinging in the back of my eyes. I glanced out to everyone and noticed all of their faces. So many were tear stained. I caught Sugawara’s eyes he gave a tiny smile of encouragement. No smile came from me in return. Instead I looked down to the paper in front of me and cleared my throat.

  
“Hello… I am Hinata Shoyou… This is what I have to say,” I glanced over to my right and felt a tightness in my stomach and chest, I took another shaky breath and began, “Dear Kageyama…”

***

It had been several months since the last time I tossed a serve and it collided with Kageyama’s head. But the instant the ball left my hand and I hit it with my other I could almost feel exactly where it was going. Luckily it was practice. That still didn’t make my heart stop as it struck loudly against the black haired king of the court.  
Everyone watched it happen and as I stood there watching the ball bounce of Kageyama’s head and fly to the floor, I could have sworn I stopped breathing. Instantly Daichi shouted, “Don’t mind Kageyama” across the gym and he glanced nervously in my direction. I was ready for Kageyama to come towering over me again, and this time I knew he would kill me.

  
I was certain, that after the ball rolled across the court that Kageyama would have turned and started to scream. I was certain, that as Tanaka went nervously to pick it up that Kageyama would be at my throat. I was certain; that after the team had to fight Kageyama off of me I would have spent the night in the emergency room.  
But I was wrong.

  
Kageyama didn’t do any of that.

  
He glanced over his shoulder and shouted, “Don’t mind.”

  
The feeling of relief spread through me like drinking something warm after you are chilled to the bone. I am sure everyone else felt that too, and also a bit of shock. Tsuki started laughing at Kageyama from the other side of the court. As Ennoshita, who was on the other team, started his serve, I felt a different warmth inside of me. It was a happiness that I had never felt before. And it was because of Kageyama.

***

“Remember the second time I hit the serve into your head? I thought you were going to kill me for sure. I thought I was never going to be able to play volleyball again. I thought you would have strangled me right there in the gym… But you didn’t”

***

It was in the middle of an intense match that all odds seemed to be stacked against us for. We were trailing farther and farther behind. We had just barely managed to win the first set. The second set had gone to the other team and now we were fighting for our lives to win this one. We were playing an intense match of who could score two more points first. And it seemed to have been going on for years.

  
Then when everything seemed to be going wrong. Our quicks being blocked, Daichi messing up receives, Asahi unable to hit a spike through, Tanaka constantly being blocked, Noya missing the ball… Something finally went right.

  
We just needed two points that was it. We had just attempted a quick and it was blocked with full strength. But when the other team hit there serve, and it came over and Daichi received it like it was nothing and the ball went directly to Kageyama and I knew. It was one of those moments.

  
We had already made the signal, this one was going to be a back attack. We hadn’t done one this set, but as the ball flew to Kageyama, I felt like we could make it through. The blockers were all spread out but I felt like I could do it. I ran forward and Kageyama looked into my eyes. They locked for a split second. He looked back to the ball and his eyes trailed over to Asahi.

  
I didn’t shout but I felt like I was screaming “TO ME!! SEND IT TO ME!!” And it was as if Kageyama heard me, because as Asahi jumped to get the ball and the blockers went into disarray I flew up too. And Asahi looked so determined, but somehow the ball went directly to me, it flew like a bullet. And the blockers panicked, but I hit it. Directly inside the boundaries. The other team had no chance of receiving it.

  
The silence that filled the court was eerie. But the shouts that followed were like an explosion. We were firing on all cylinders. We only needed one more point, and I have never seen a team so determined. It was Tsukishima’s serve. And of course being the asshole he is he managed to serve short. The ball somehow managed to make it over to the other side of the net and hit the floor with an echoing bounce.

  
Another eruption of cheers sounded from our side of the court. I was so happy I was pretty sure I was crying. Everyone on the benches ran to the court. Noya and Tanaka were screaming. And I was too.

  
Then Kageyama came over, “I don’t know why I sent that toss to you.”

  
I snorted, “Kageyama it doesn’t matter that toss was perfect, and we scored!! It helped us win!! Why can’t you just be happy about it for once?”

  
Kageyama crossed his arms, “Well I still don’t understand why that happens all the time, and we even sent the signal for Asahi and everything.“

  
“OH KAGEYAMA!” I shouted grabbing his arms, “Just stop already it was perfect, and you are perfect! Stop being so angry! You toss perfectly and you know exactly what to do in volleyball all the time! And I love you!”

  
What? I looked at Kageyama and stared at him. Why did I just say that? He looked at me. He didn’t look mad, he just looked shocked. He wasn’t shouting at me. Quickly I let go of his arms.

  
“I mean that is what I love about how you play,” I ran a hand through my hair, “I don’t love you…”

  
Kageyama was about to say something but he got interrupted as everyone else surrounded us and started shouting.

***

“Remember the first time I said that I loved you? It was after that match where you sent the toss to me when it was supposed to go to Asahi… We won and I said I loved you. I thought you were going to call me a dumbass, and yell at me. But you didn’t.”

***

“I can’t believe we are going to be second years now,” I mumbled to Kageyama as we stood squinting into the bright stadium lights. Somehow we managed to make it all the way up to nationals. We played in that giant gymnasium and somehow we managed to win.

  
“Well that is what generally happens,” Kageyama whispered back.

  
I glared at him, “You know you don’t have to have negative energy all the time. I was just saying that because now Suga and them are going to be gone… there will be new first years…”

  
“Ya that always is how it works,” Kageyama replied dryly.

  
There was a loud cheer and our team was being handed an award. We grouped closer together and everyone was smiling. Many bright flashes blinded me and then someone said “Ok” and it was over.

  
That was it we won nationals. I felt like I was on a cloud but I also felt like I was walking through mud. We decided that we were going to go to a fancy restaurant near the stadium to eat. It was Coach Ukai’s treat.

  
When we got there I ended up sitting next to Kageyama.

  
The meal was spent mostly with everyone celebrating and talking about how incredible the match had been. Everyone was having such a wonderful time, it almost hurt that I was still thinking about the next year and how different the team was going to be.

  
Then Daichi stood he cleared his throat, “I just wanted to say that when we started this year I had no idea that this would be where we ended up. Sure I hoped that we would end up here. I wanted us to be here. But before we were not a team that knew how to work together. And we became that. Sure it took a little hard work…”

  
Daichi glanced over to Kageyama and I as he said these words, I felt my face heating up and watched Suga stifle a small laugh. Daichi continued, “But this is the end and I couldn’t be more proud. I hope that this next year you all work just as hard and make it here again. And I want to introduce you to your new captain, whom I have selected based on their hard work and outstanding leadership.”

  
Daichi reached out a hand and pulled up Ennoshita, “This is your new captain, treat him with the same respect that you have all been so kind to give me.”

  
Everyone applauded, Ennoshita turned pink and then sat back down. Everyone started talking again, and I turned to Kageyama, “Who do you think will be captain when we are third years?”

  
“Certainly not either of you,” Tsuki replied coldly from across the table smirking slightly.

  
Kageyama glared at him and the pair had one of their usual staring contests until Yamaguchi tapped Tsuki on the shoulder so that he would stop. They did and then Kageyama turned and looked at me.

  
“I think you would make a good captain,” Kageyama stated then picked up his water and took a sip.

  
I couldn’t believe it Kageyama had complimented me. He never did that. I stared at him my jaw slack, “You really think so?”

  
“Well you have always kind of had a way of leading the team with your energy, and I think you would be good at being captain,” Kageyama continued while glancing at me out of the corner of his eyes.

  
“Kageyama why would you say that? You don’t say nice things!” I stated slightly loud. Noya turned to glance at me as he was on my opposite side.

  
“I’m sorry, what do you want me to say? That I think I should be captain?” Kageyama asked slamming his glass down and turning to face me.

  
“Well I figured you would say that since you think you are better than everyone else at everything!” I shouted. At this point more than half the team was looking our way. But most of them weren’t really paying attention, shouting seemed to be the only way Kageyama and I could communicate with one another.

  
“Well maybe I don’t want to be captain!” Kageyama shouted back.

  
“WHY NO-“ I started to shout back and my hand flung across the table and collided with something. I didn’t realize what it was until it flew and spilled across Kageyama’s lap. It was my cherry coke. It splashed into his lap and the cup lay on the table dripping.

  
I couldn’t believe it. I listened to the silence from the team and stared at Kageyama. He was staring at his pants. Someone tossed about a hundred napkins at me and I quickly shoved them at Kageyama.

  
He looked up and took them and whispered, “It’s ok.”

  
I didn’t know what to say so one word came out, “What?”

  
“It’s no big deal it will come out,” Kageyama stated as he started methodically placing napkins on his pants. Then he looked up at me and did something that I never thought he would do. He smiled.

***

“Remember when I spilled coke on your uniform after we argued about who was going to be captain? I thought you would have yelled. I thought you would have thrown me out the windows of the restaurant. But you didn’t…”

***

During the start of second year Kageyama didn’t show up the first week. The first day of class I didn’t see him I thought maybe we had been put into different tracks. But that couldn’t be, Kageyama had said he was going to be on the same learning track as me. But I didn’t see him.

  
Then when I saw Yamaguchi after school that day and we walked to the gym together I didn’t see Kageyama. He didn’t show up to practice either. It felt off my spikes were horrible. And they were in front of the new first years too.

  
It lasted for a week. Then finally the start of the second week I saw Kageyama again. He was walking into the building right as I showed up on my bike. I flew off my bike and nearly broke my leg, while shouting at him.

  
He turned, “What?”

  
“Kageyama!! Where were you last week?” I asked breathing hard.

  
He turned and continued walking into the building, “Family emergency.”

  
I stopped in my tracks and stared, “Is everything ok?”

  
He didn’t stop, “Ya everything is fine.”

  
Kageyama and I only ended up having homeroom together and we didn’t really see each other the rest of the day. I ate lunch with Yachi. I told her what I had heard from Kageyama and she told me to let it be, it was best to leave family things to the individual until they were ready to talk about it. She was right I didn’t need to pry into Kageyama’s life.

  
Then finally it was time for practice. I ran out of my last class hoping that I finally would be able to race Kageyama there again like we had done all of last year. But when I flew into the door shouting yes, no one was there. I glanced back over my shoulder no one was sprinting behind me. A disappointment flowed through me as I walked out of the gym and off to the clubroom to change.

  
When I finished a few first years came in and started getting ready. Back in the gym Noya was stretching on the floor. He was the only one in there.

  
“Noya-senpai,” I stated waving over to him.

  
“Oi Hinata!” He shouted smiling. He beckoned me over, “So have you seen Kageyama today?”

  
“Ya we have the same homeroom, he is back this week,” I shrugged.

  
“Oh very nice, maybe we can finally start getting this team working again,” Noya smiled and pulled his arm across his chest stretching out his shoulder.

  
“Ya! Then maybe we can work hard enough to go to nationals again like Daichi said,” I was grinning ear to ear now. Noya only laughed. I stood and went to the basket of balls. I had been trying to practice my serve, it wasn’t nearly as good as Kageyama’s but that was the goal.

  
Eventually members started trickling in and soon everyone was inside the gym. Everyone except Kageyama. Ukai called us around and gave the schedule for the day. It wasn’t anything too crazy; Ukai was still trying to see how these first years worked. And at the moment he was trying to find a setter.

  
After everyone dispersed out and started working on some of the drills I walked up to the coach, “Um I was wondering… Do you know where Kageyama is?”

  
Ukai glanced down at me, “I am not sure when he will be joining us… I know he had a lot of family issues to deal with over the break… But I am sure he will be with us soon.”

  
That is what I had hoped. I had hoped Kageyama would walk through the door later that night. But he didn’t. In fact even after begging Kageyama during lunch and in the free period in the morning Kageyama didn’t show up. Then one day, almost a month into school I decided to do something.

  
I left my house extra early that morning so that I would get to school before Kageyama. I did, I biked so fast I could feel my heart pounding out through my chest. Then when I got to school I collapsed off my bike next to the rack breathing heavily. The cool air wiping in my hair.

  
A shadow stopped over me, “What are you doing?” I opened my eyes. It was Kageyama.

  
I sprung up, “Kageyama!! Why haven’t you been at practice!?”

  
Kageyama turned and started to walk away, he always did this when I brought this subject up. Angrily I ran after him and grabbed his uniform sleeve.  
“Kageyama!! What is going on! We need you! The team needs you!” I shouted tugging onto his sleeve.

  
Kageyama didn’t shout back he just glanced down to my hand, “A lot has happened Hinata, I don’t know if I can play volleyball this year, I think I have to quit.”  
The words completely took me for surprise, “QUIT!?”

  
Kageyama wrapped his hand around mine and pulled it off his sleeve, “Yes, I don’t think it is going to work out this year.”

  
He turned and started to walk away dropping my hand in the process. He walked in the building leaving me behind. I shook my head. Racing after him I nearly collided with everyone I passed.

  
“Kageyama!” I shouted, he stopped walking and I ran into his back, he turned and nervously I continued, “Kageyama why? Why do you want to quit?”

  
“A lot happened over the break Hinata,” He stated calmly, “My parents don’t think that this is what’s best for me.”

  
I had never seen Kageyama like this. He looked so disappointed, he looked… Broken. His eyes were no longer piercing, instead they looked dull. His skin seemed to have turned paler. He didn’t look like the fighter Kageyama that had helped us win nationals last year.

  
“Kageyama!! You have to tell them that this is what you want to do! You can’t quit! You just can’t! I don’t know what I will do without you!” I was kind of shouting and people were staring as they passed us.

  
Kageyama glanced down to me, “You don’t know what you will do without me?”

  
I felt heat radiate off my skin, “I mean I don’t know what the team will do without you!”

  
Kageyama smirked, “Sure.”

  
With that he turned and I lost him in the mass of uniforms headed my direction. I didn’t get another chance to talk to him. All that day it felt like some force was keeping us away from each other, like two positive ends of a magnet being forced together. Somehow they always push apart.

  
That night Kageyama didn’t show up to practice again. But I tried not to let it get to me. One of the first years and Narita were doing quite well with the position of setter. Neither of them however, were as good as Kageyama. In fact as the little blonde first year sent me another toss I thought about their skill levels.

  
The spike sailed over the net and past Yamaguchi. There were four new first years again this year. For some reason I could never remember their names. None of them really stood out to me. The only one that did however, was the one who was practicing on my side. He had longer white hair, it looked like Kennma’s and he was incredible at serving.

  
He was able to switch up the serves every time he went up. In fact now as we all shouted “Nice Serve” he went for a jump float. Initially that had irritated Yamaguchi, but it made his serves a lot better in the process. Then as far as the other first years… There was the short blonde one who was playing as setter. A dark haired boy who was tall enough to be a middle blocker and had decent spikes. And then there was a boy with oddly cut gray hair who wasn’t overly talented anywhere except receives. Noya was determined to make him a libero.

  
And like that another practice went by and still no Kageyama. At this point I was really thinking that maybe Kageyama would quit. I did not want him to at all, but so far the future was not looking too bright. I just hoped something would change his mind.

  
The next day, I didn’t ride my bike to school early. I didn’t even arrive at the same time as Kageyama. By the time that I got there he would have been in the building a good 15 minuets. Again the day passed as though we were two positive magnets. And then before I knew it I was slowly making my way to the gym.

  
Then something different happened. I could hear hard footsteps on the ground behind me. I turned and I felt my heart stop. It was Kageyama running at full speed towards the gym. He passed me like a bullet and it took me several seconds to comprehend what just happened.

  
A smile spread across my face and I raced after him. I was two steps behind him when he raced through the gym door. We both stood hands on our knees panting slightly. I smiled over to him and he smiled back. It was a rare exchange but it made my heart sing.

  
“I thought you were quitting,” I stated through breaths.

  
“I couldn’t, what would you do without me?” Kageyama smiled and stood up straight and walked off to the clubroom.

***

“Remember that time at the beginning of our second year and I thought for sure that you were going to quit the team? I thought I would never be able to hit one of those freak spikes again. I thought that I would never be on the same court as you again. I thought you would leave. But I told you I needed you… and you didn’t”

***

Midway through second year the team came to notice, and I did as well, that Kageyama and I were starting to get along a lot better than we had at the beginning of our first year. In fact some members, mostly the first years, thought we were actually friends. I thought so too. We didn’t always look at one another as rivals anymore and we looked to one another as allies. Maybe it was because we were going to have to lead the team soon and we had to step up to the plate and that meant working together. Or maybe it was just because we actually had a working friendship.

  
One day during an extensive practice Ukai was making us split into teams and play practice matches against one another. During that particular match Ukai decided to split me and Kageyama up so that we were not using the insanely freak quick, which was getting even more insane as the year had been progressing. Instead I was paired with the blonde first year setter who was in fact making quite a bit of progress The whole switching of team members was something that Ukai decided was a good idea so that more of the team could get equally strong and he wouldn’t have to rely on just one group of us to win a game.

  
The match began pretty well, the side Kageyama was on won by a few points and now into the second set my side was leading by a few points. In the rotation Kageyama and I were face to face. The serve came from his side and the ball went straight for Ennoshita, who received and sent it straight to the first year. Something he and I had been practicing was decoys and both spikers intent on hitting the ball he just had to decide where to send it.

  
I watched the ball and I moved over to my right to prepare to jump, as I was bending my knees I watched Kageyama follow me over to the right. I sprung as the ball went into the first year’s hands. I glanced over and saw the ball coming my direction Kageyama sprung and I pulled my hand back. Now that I knew how to properly spike a ball I no longer closed my eyes when hitting back over the net. So when my hand connected with the ball I knew I had to get it around Kageyama. But he was really close to the net and there was no real option so I aimed for the tips of his fingers.

  
The ball hit and Kageyama winced from the force and turned back to his side of the court as we both fell back down to earth. The white haired first year ran back for the ball but tripped on the way and landed face down on the court. My side was awarded another point.

  
Ennoshita walked over and patted my back, “Nice one Hinata!” I smiled and moved over as the rotation shifted. I glanced over to Kageyama who was glaring at me slightly through the net. I felt a chill go down my spine; he hadn’t looked at me irritated like that in a very long time.

  
“What’s wrong Kageyama?” I asked through gritted teeth. And heard Ukai tweet his whistle for the serve. The ball flew over and went to Tanaka.

  
Kageyama didn’t reply he just continued to keep the sour expression as he moved across the court. The ball went directly to him and it was in this situation as I watched our setter move over to block a spiker on the right that I knew exactly what Kageyama was going to do. I shifted to the middle and jumped just as Kageyama started to toss the dump over to our side of the net. Easily I blocked the ball back over to his side scoring us another point.

  
Everyone on my side cheered and Tanaka mumbled something from the other side about Kageyama’s worthless dump shots. Kageyama looked over to me through the net and glared again. I tried to ignore it but every time I glanced back to Kageyama throughout the game he continued to glare at me.

  
The match ended with my side of the court taking the second and third set. Mostly because after I blocked Kageyama’s dump shot he kind of fell apart. No one was really sure what to shout to him and there was no more refreshing Suga to take his place anymore. But the match ended and Ukai called the end of practice.

  
I began mopping up the floor with Yamaguchi when Kageyama marched over to me. I was ready for some random argument in which I was a dumbass for some reason and I couldn’t play volleyball up to the standards that Kageyama liked. But as I took a breath ready to defend myself from whatever stupid argument Kageyama had, instead he grabbed my jacket and walked me out of the gym.

  
The first years watched with concern as I was dragged away, while Tsukishima laughed. When we got out into the cool air and a fair distance away from the gym Kageyama turned and stopped and stared at me. But this time he wasn’t glaring.

  
“Uhh… Kageyama what are we doing, you know Ukai will get mad if we don’t help clean up…” I stated glancing around expecting Ukai to come popping out of the bushes at any minute to make us do five hundred laps around the gym for ditching clean up time.

  
“Look I just want to say that I am sorry for the way that I acted during that game today,” Kageyama sighed looking down to his shoes. This was not what I was expecting at all, why was Kageyama apologizing? Since when did he apologize?

  
“What are you talking about Kageyama I don’t care, you always act like that sometimes,” I laughed a little looking at him with a bit of shock.

  
“Well…” Kageyama took a breath and crossed his arms, “I am just irritated.”

  
“Irritated? About what?” I asked staring into his face trying to figure out what exactly was going on right now.

  
“I mean you have gotten so much better since last year and I always like to think it was because of me and I just got mad when you hit that spike past me from the toss of that other first year,” Kageyama scowled slightly. This was an odd conversation. I didn’t say anything but Kageyama continued.

  
“It just got me thinking to how you always said that you were going to beat me in a real match some day. And today when your side won, I didn’t like the feeling. I didn’t like that you won,” He stared directly into my eyes as he said the last words.

  
“Well I don’t really like when we play matches like that and your side wins,” I smiled trying to make the mood a little lighter.

  
“It’s not like that,” Kageyama grimaced a little bit again.

  
“Well then what is it like? Because I really have no idea what you are talking about Kageyama.”

  
“Hinata…” That was one of the first times I had ever heard Kageyama say my name without following it with dumbass, “I don’t ever want you to beat me.”

  
“What?”

  
“I mean… I don’t ever want there to be a time where we actually have to play on opposite sides of the court, in order to say who is the better volleyball player. I think by now we both know that neither of us is better than the other, we both have something that we excel at and we can’t win on our own. We have a team to make us strong. And I want to be a part of the team that makes you a strong player and I want you to be a part of the team that makes me a stronger player.”

  
This was something I never thought I would hear Kageyama say; did he get softer with age? I felt my face heating up as I said, “Do you really mean that Kageyama? That is awfully nice of you…”

  
Kageyama took a step closer to me and set his hand on my shoulder, “Yes, I don’t want us to be rivals anymore, I don’t want us to fight in order to win against the other. I want us to work together to win together, because I can’t stand when we lose to each other.”

  
This was a lot to wrap my head around, was Kageyama being serious was he even real right now, I grabbed his hand and pushed it off my shoulder and frowned, “Come on Kageyama! I know you! You don’t say stuff like this! You should be saying “Damnit dumbass Hinata why did you win!? Next time I won’t lose to you!” I didn’t realize I was shouting but I felt my face and body grow red with anger.

  
Kageyama took a step back and stared at me, then his brows furrowed into the angry Kageyama I was used to, “DAMNIT HINATA!” Kageyama lurched forward and grabbed the collar to my jacket and lifted me up slightly, “What do I have to say to you? Why isn’t this good enough?! Maybe I do want to play on the same team as you forever! Because that is when I play best! When I play with YOU! I don’t want to be your rival anymore!”

  
I was flinching as Kageyama neared my face with all of his words but at his last few sentences I didn’t flinch. I listened and stared at Kageyama with wide eyes, “Kageyama…” I whispered as Kageyama loosed his grip slightly on my jacket. He was looking down now and it looked like tears were falling out of his eyes.  
“Kageyama are you oka-“ I began to ask what was wrong, when something happened that I would never forget. Kageyama pulled on the collar to my jacket and pulled my face to his. In that split second our lips collided.

  
Initially my reaction was to push away and stop whatever the hell this was from happening. But for some reason I stayed there and kissed Kageyama. As I did I thought of the awkwardness of the situation and I also thought of how nice it was. We stayed connected for a few more seconds before Kageyama pushed me away forcefully nearly making me collapse to the ground.

  
Kageyama turned away from me and brought a hand to his mouth, “I am sorry.”

  
I walked over to Kageyama and set a hand on his shoulder, “Honestly it’s ok.”  
***

“Remember when we had our first kiss. I didn’t know what you were talking about when you said that you never wanted to be my rival again. I thought that you were joking and that the next day we would have another one of those fights where we didn’t talk to each other for months. But you didn’t.”

***

Kageyama and I didn’t become an official couple until a month after we first kissed. In fact Kageyama and I did not do anything really other than that one kiss for a month. But during that month the team started acting weird around us. It was almost as if they thought something was going on with us. When in reality all that Kageyama and I did during that month was go to the movies together once. We shared popcorn and sat a little closer together than friends normally do at the movies. Other than that we didn’t do anything.

  
Finally it was the month anniversary of that kiss and oddly enough the day happened to be a Saturday, the day of a big match. This was the match to fight for a spot in the final four of the inter high. We were going up against Aoba Johsai; it was the first time since the previous year when we made it higher in the spring tournament, that we played them. But at least now Oikawa was no longer on the team so we did not have to worry about his super serves.

  
The match started well and we had already taken the first set, but when we got into the middle of the second set things started to go slightly into disarray. We had several sloppy receives and then one of Kageyama’s serves went far out of bounds. That threw everyone sideways and we were quickly starting to fall behind.

  
“Don’t mind Kageyama!” Ennoshita yelled from the sidelines as the gray haired boy was in his place at the moment. Kageyama huffed heavily in response and I glanced back his direction and watched his face. He looked oddly irritated but I was hoping that it would turn into his usual irritation that he used when he played volleyball all of the time.

  
The ball sailed over to our side and Nishinoya received. The ball flew forward and Kageyama shifted forward to receive it. I glanced to the other side of the court; both sides were crawling by tall blockers. There was no way Tanaka or I were going to get through on the sides. But we both ran up preparing to do whatever Kageyama sent us. There was no connection between Kageyama and I so I was certain the ball was not going to come to me.

  
Kageyama gripped the ball as it landed in his hands and I watched and prepared to jump but I could see Kageyama’s face as I took off from the ground. He looked so distressed, but I shouted.

  
“Kageyama!!!!” In those split seconds of hesitation Kageyama tossed the ball hard my direction. And I didn’t care that I was already losing height and that the blockers knew exactly where the ball was going to come from. I waited and saw the ball fly to me. I watched it and for some reason I tried something I had only done a few times.  
My fingers just barley brushed the ball and it easily flew over the hands of the blockers. The feint was perfect. The other side went into disarray. The ball fell to the floor and our side erupted with cheers. Everyone ran over and started smacking my back.

  
Kageyama walked up to me and tried to smile, “Thanks.” Then he turned and walked back to his position. I stood there a moment confused. Why was Kageyama thanking me? I stood ready as Tsukishima hit the serve over the net. But as he did I felt the atmosphere change. And it was all because of the feint that I hit. After that the match turned in our favor and we managed to win.

  
After celebrating our win on the court we all went down the hallways of the gym and sat down to eat and cool down, we wouldn’t have another match today but we did want to go back in to see who we would be playing. There was a happy buzz from our team as we had not made it this far last year in the inter high and so far things looked good for us making it far in the spring tournament again this year.

  
I took a seat next to Kageyama and smiled, “I can’t believe we won.”

  
Kageyama sighed and took a long drain from his water, “Yea…” It was odd, usually some of the loudest second years were now the quietest members of the team. The first years were bouncing off the walls and the third years were telling them how proud they would be if they could get to nationals again.

  
I glanced back to Kageyama, “So…”

  
He glanced to me out of the corner of his eye, “So?”

  
I frowned slightly, “So Kageyama, what is going on?”

  
“With what?” He asked slightly annoyed.

  
“With you?” I sighed and set my chin on my knees, “With us?”

  
Kageyama stifled a surprised cough, he obviously was choking on something, “Us?”

  
“Ya us,” I said turning my head on my knees to look at him a bit annoyed, I continued whispering slightly, “I mean it has been a month Kageyama! I am not going to pretend what you did didn’t happen!”

  
He only frowned, “I know.”

  
“Well then?” I stated angrily and turned toward him completely.

  
Kageyama’s frown only increased, “Why don’t we talk about this later Hinata.”

  
“Why?” I grunted.

  
“Because,” Kageyama shifted his eyes upward. I turned to follow his gaze. Nishinoya was looming over us.

  
“What are you two losers whispering about now?” He grinned his giant grin and kneeled down next to us, “It’s not about how Hinata totally changed the pace of the second set with that spike is it?”

  
I tried to smile, “Ha ya you got us Noya-senpai.”

  
I knew those words would make Noya happy, “That’s what I thought and I was right and why is that?” Noya stood up puffing out his chest at the last words.

  
“Because you’re our senpai,” I smiled at the shorter third year as he nodded in satisfaction and turned back down to us.

  
“Come on you two I came over to get you so that we could go watch more matches,” Noya motioned for us to follow. And so the both of us got up slowly and followed Noya back into the gym.

  
The next matches we watched seemed to drag on for ages and I just wanted them to be over so that I could talk to Kageyama. I fell asleep at one point and I am pretty sure the white haired and gray haired first years started putting bottle caps on me. Because when I woke up they were all over my face. I just assumed it was them because they seemed to be the ones always pulling pranks on everyone. It was annoying but sometimes I did like to join in…

  
Kageyama woke me up by elbowing me in the side. We left the gymnasium ready to fight another battle there the next day. We would be fighting for a top two-spot. Hopefully we would be able to get it. It would be slightly embarrassing if we didn’t, after all we were national champions. After leaving the gym we boarded the bus and almost everyone except for me fell asleep. As I had slept through the games in the gym.

  
Then finally we arrived back at Karasuno. We all got off the bus and started to head our separate ways. I stood against the bus waiting and then when Kageyama turned to head to his house I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him aside. I dragged him as far away from the possibility of people as I could. We went to an area behind the school that was full of rusting metal picnic tables and dead grass.

  
“Kageyama, we are talking about this now,” I stated and pointed from myself to him when I said the word this.

  
Kageyama took a deep breath and looked down to me, “Ok fine… What do you want to talk about?”

  
“I want to talk about what is happening between us? Kageyama… I want to talk about all those things that you said. Did you mean them?” I asked glancing down feeling something stinging in my eyes.

  
“I did,” Kageyama replied.

  
“Then,” I sniffed heavily, “Then what? What are we Kageyama? I can’t pretend you didn’t kiss me. I can’t pretend that it didn’t make me happy. I can’t pretend that I don’t have feelings for you… I can’t. Not anymore.”

  
Kageyama set his hand lightly on my shoulder, but I didn’t look up, “Hinata, I mean every word that I said. I do want to be on your side forever and I want to win with you. Because I can’t stand losing to you. And I can’t stand not being a part of your happiness when you win… And not just when you win.”

  
I glanced up, “Not just when I win?”

  
Kageyama nodded, “Yes I… This past month… It has made me think and I don’t know. Even though we only went to see that lame comedy in the movies together. It just made me think that I really like spending time with you Hinata. And I really want to be a part of your life more than just volleyball and school.”  
I tried to smile but I just ended up crying more, “Why didn’t you say that earlier?”

  
Kageyama turned his face away, “I didn’t want the others to listen. I didn’t want the others to know.”

  
“Know what? That you have a heart under there Kageyama?” I hiccupped a little instead of laughing and smiled, “That you care about people? And that maybe you actually….”

  
“Actually what?”

  
“You actually love them…”

  
Kageyama swallowed and gripped my shoulder tighter, “I do, and I was afraid of what the others would think. And I didn’t want them to laugh at us… I didn’t want them to laugh at me… I didn’t want them to laugh at you.”

  
“You couldn’t tell me you loved me because you didn’t want the team to laugh at me?” I asked in disbelief.

  
Kageyama took his hand off my shoulder and put it quickly in his jacket pocket and started to blush, “Yea… I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

  
I smiled and blinked trying to get the last sentimental tears to leave, “Kageyama…” I didn’t even know what to say. I had never experienced this side of Kageyama before in my life and this was something that I did not know how to react to.

  
“Are we ok now?” Kageyama asked blushing even deeper. Instead of replying I leaped forward from my spot and wrapped my arms around Kageyama’s neck and legs around his middle, even though his hands were still in his jacket pockets. Closing my eyes I planted a kiss right on his lips.

  
“Does that answer your question?” I asked pulling back and smiling at him finally able to see clearly.

***

“Do you remember how we finally became a couple? I thought that that one kiss was going to be it. I thought that we were never meant to be anything else. I thought that when we went to talk that you were going to say that it was a mistake. I thought you were going to break my heart. But you didn’t.”

***

I remember the day that the rest of the team and a few extra people found out that we were a couple. It was winter and for the first time in a while it was snowing. Actually snowing. The snow was heavy enough that it stuck to the ground and the air managed to stay chilly. It was during the late winter months during our second year that the team found out about Kageyama and I.

  
We were walking in a smaller part of town that was filled with small shops. It was a part of town that we would go to together because no one we knew went to this part of town. That was a good thing because we were not exactly ready to let everyone know what was going on between us.

  
It was just before the winter holidays and Kageyama and I decided we wanted to go and get hot chocolate together. First though we wanted to walk around and gaze inside the small shops outside so we would have a reason for getting hot chocolate. Already we had passed by several stores and the cold air was just starting to take its toll. I could feel my nose freezing and my legs were starting to get the prickly feeling they get when the air turns cold.

  
“Man it really is cold today,” I smiled turning to Kageyama jamming my hands further into my jacket pockets.

  
“Naturally you pick the day that it is the coldest to walk around outside,” Kageyama teased glancing down to me. I frowned slightly before laughing. This was the new Kageyama. The one that I was dating was rude and made irritating comments like this but they didn’t have the same sting as they had before. Instead of the feeling of dread and worthlessness that came from his snide remarks, now I felt like I could smile after each one.

  
“Well I didn’t know,” I replied sighing and purposefully walking into his side.

  
Kageyama only lightly laughed before grabbing my sleeve and stopping the both of us. I halted on the spot and skid slightly due to the ice hiding on the sidewalk. Kageyama stabilized me by gripping to my arm tighter.

  
“What?” I asked after regaining my balance and looking up to him.

  
“Nothing, I just wanted to stop a minuet. Look how peaceful it is,” Kageyama turned his head up and down the streets. I had to agree. This time of year when it came like this could be truly remarkable. The snow fell softly and made the air seem still. The few sounds that came from the street seemed faded and the cold air just made everything seem to fit together. It was a hard feeling to explain but I knew exactly what Kageyama was talking about.

  
As I was glancing up and down the street I didn’t notice that Kageyama was staring down on me. When I turned back to him I saw him smiling one of his real smiles. Those smiles always made me feel uncomfortable and blush. Because I was the only one who got to see them. It was not like the smiles he would make when he tried to act like Suga, but they were smiles that were smiles like Suga’s only softer. They didn’t glow in the same way, but I could tell that Kageyama was genuinely happy. And it was because of me.

  
It was in these moments when Kageyama smiled at me like this that I knew what was going to happen next. And it came just like I suspected. Kageyama bent down and placed his lips lightly on mine. I set my hands on his jacketed chest and moved closer to him. He smelled so nice, like cool mints, I deepened the kiss slightly and Kageyama happily did the same. We stayed connected a moment more before we broke apart. As we did I thought I heard someone shout something. But I was so happy I wasn’t really paying attention. I looked up to Kageyama and saw his loving smile and blushing face.

  
But then in an instant he glanced up and his face went white. I was about to ask what was wrong when Kageyama grabbed the back of my head and slammed my face into his chest. Grunting I tried to push away but Kageyama held my head. I heard someone talking, it must be to Kageyama. And now I was having a slight problem breathing so I pushed into Kageyama and started yelling a little too loud.

  
“KAGEYAMA! Are you trying to kill me!? What the he-…” I was shouting but turned around as I saw the reason for Kageyama forcing me into his chest.

  
“Oh Tobio-Chan, I had no idea you sailed this way,” It was a shocked and slightly amused Oikawa. He was smirking and had a gloved hand covering his face.

  
Kageyama didn’t say anything he was just slowly turning darker shades of red. I didn’t know what to do, would Kageyama play this off? Would he start fighting Oikawa. What would he do? So I decided to say something.

  
“Well he does! Do you have a problem with that?” I slightly shouted turning around completely and crossing my arms.

  
“Oh look at you shrimpy, I didn’t know you wore the pants in the relationship,” Oikawa smirked even more (I didn’t know you could smirk so deeply) then his gaze fell onto Kageyama, “I always figured that you would be the-“ That is when Kageyama cut him off.

  
“SHUT UP!” He pushed me aside and marched up to Oikawa and grabbed his jacket collar.

  
“Oh struck a nerve eh Tobio-chan?” Oikawa was laughing lightly again.

  
“Watch your mouth Tooru,” Kageyama stated through gritted teeth. I didn’t really like where this was going so I pulled on Kageyama’s jacket.

  
“Come on Kageyama, he’s not worth it,” I pleaded pulling on Kageyama. Kageyama continued to hold onto Oikawa but he turned my direction and his gaze softened as his eyes fell on mine. Then he huffed and dropped Oikawa’s collar. The elder boy smirked again and watched as Kageyama turned away.

  
I grabbed Kageyama’s hand and the two of us started to walk away. Only to be followed by Oikawa’s taunting voice, “You two are so precious, good thing I have my camera.”

  
“That bastard,” Kageyama grunted and stopped walking clearly ready to pick a fight. But I squeezed Kageyama’s hand tighter. I didn’t have to say anything this time. It was like Kageyama knew what I was trying to say. So we continued walking.

~

Later that afternoon when Kageyama and I were just finishing our hot chocolate both of our phones erupted with text messages. Kageyama’s face went from a happy blush to a sickly pale white. He looked so disappointed as he read through the messages. I read through my messages as well, perhaps not as disappointed as Kageyama but I only felt bad because of the way Kageyama was reacting.

  
The messages came from the entire team.

  
**Tanaka** : “IS THAT SHIT OIKAWA SENT US FOR REAL?”

  
**Noya** : “I knew it! If this is real I so called it!”

  
**Ennoshita** : “If this is real, I want you guys to know that I am so happy for you. Please don’t worry about anything anyone else says I just want to let you know that I am so happy for you two.”

  
**Sugawara** : “Ennoshita sent Daichi and I the text message! Is that real! You two are so perfect! I hope this is real because I always thought you two were meant for each other. You just were. Well I surely wish we could be there to congratulate you!”

  
**Yamaguchi** : “I thought something was going on between you two! Yay! I am happy for you guys!”

  
**Tsukishima** : “Ratted out by the grand king, eh you losers?”

  
After reading through my messages I glanced to Kageyama. His face was still pretty white and I wasn’t really sure why. So I reached across the table and grabbed his hand.

  
“Kageyama? It’s ok we were going to tell them eventually,” I smiled trying to lift his spirits.

  
“I just… I didn’t want it to be like this,” Kageyama sighed squeezing my palm lightly.

  
“Well why don’t we let them know that it is real and then greet everyone with a smile when we see them again, I mean they are all happy for us,” I smiled even brighter.

  
Kageyama’s gaze connected with mine, he didn’t smile like he usually does but the corners of his mouth raised, “Ok.”

***

“Remember when we ran into Oikawa that winter and he sent that message to Ennoshita who was with Tanaka who sent it to Noya, and soon the whole team knew we were dating. I thought that when Oikawa made you mad and threatened us with a picture that you were going to snap. I thought you were going to strangle him with your bare hands. But I squeezed your hand, and you didn’t.”

***

Yet again for the second year in a row we made it to the top eight in nationals. It was another surprise for the people all over Japan. They didn’t think that Karasuno could make it two times. They assumed that last year had just been a fluke. But somehow our team grew stronger and we made it to the fight for a top eight spot. The match to decide if we were going to be a top eight was against a high school we had never played before. They had not made it as far the year prior. But they were rising from the ashes and they were our team to beat.

  
The match began just like any other and we smiled and readied for another match and hopefully another victory. That was at least the goal anyway. And I did want to win, our third years stayed with us and they had had a lot of opportunity to play this year and I wanted them to feel more joy from winning this year than the little joy from last year. Besides I wanted the first years to be able to experience what we got to last year as well.

  
Yamaguchi served for our side. He was becoming more of a regular now and he always opened with serves. Ukai usually kept him halfway through the beginning and would put him back in towards the end. But from what I could tell the more Yamaguchi played the better he got and when he and Tsukishima were on the court together they both played very well.

  
He opened with a beautiful jump float serve sending the other side scrambling. We gained an easy six points off of those serves and then Ukai shouted to change it up. It was something he was doing now, he didn’t want the other side to adapt to us. We were constantly changing and in a time when the team would just be getting used to it. So the next serve was a pretty average serve it was rallied back and forth a few times before the other side finally scored.

  
The match went forward from there. The team was not extraordinary in what we could tell. They were about on the same level as us, they did have a few interesting combinations that gained them a few points but we were able to throw in a few things that sent them running too. Easily we won the first set leading by ten points. But as we stood to the side drinking water I felt like something was weird.

  
I turned to Kageyama who was watching as the other team stood around talking and wiping sweat from their heads. “Do you feel it too?” I asked glancing upward to Kageyama’s stern expression.

  
“That something is off?” Kageyama asked not looking away from the opposite team, I replied with a quiet yes as Kageyama continued, “I have been feeling it too. Ever since we started. That felt too easy. I thought this team was supposed to be strong.”

  
“Do you think they were just warming up to us?” I asked taking a step closer to Kageyama.

  
“Perhaps,” Kageyama glanced down my direction and set his hand on my head, “But if they were we still have to fight the same way.”

  
I nodded in agreement as Kageyama’s hand felt through my hair and back to his side, and then he walked off to talk with Ennoshita. I watched him for a moment before turning back to watch the other team. The whistle blew and we all went back to formation. We kept just about the same rotation but as I watched the other team, almost everyone was replaced save a few of the older looking kids.

  
I glanced back nervously to Kageyama who was going to serve. He looked more irritated than usual. I tried to smile to get him to relax but I felt like I was grimacing so I swallowed hard and looked back to the opposite side of the court. I gasped slightly as I did. In front of me now was a blocker a few inches taller than Tsukishima he smirked down on me as the whistle for the match started.

  
As it turns out I was right, while we were playing the easier side of the team in the first set the others who had been sitting out were warming up to us by watching our every move. They were able to receive Kageyama’s serves. They were able to block most of our attacks. But the thing that hurt our side the most was the first time we tried to pull our freak quick this set.

  
Everything was in motion. The other side served to us and Ennoshita received. The ball went directly to Kageyama. We already said this was going to be a freak quick before we started. I ran quickly to the opposite side of the court and jumped. The ball came to me and I slammed my hand hard into it.  
I should have seen it. I should have noticed the blockers. I should have. But for some reason I didn’t even notice until it was too late. I had already put too much force into the spike and it went directly into two blockers arms. The slap of the ball against their bare skin echoed in my ears as I slowly fell back to earth. The ball shot down on to our side too quickly for anyone to make a move for it.

  
Silence filled our side. And I looked into the eyes of the blockers from the other team. The tall one who had been positioned in front of me smirked, “I knew you would do that.”

  
It felt like someone stabbed ice through my chest. How? How did he know? He had been watching the entire first set how could he have been prepared for that without experiencing it first hand. How? I stumbled backwards slightly as I went back to my position. Everyone was shouting words of encouragement to me. But they were all mixing together I had no idea what anyone was saying.

  
“Hinata!” I heard my name. I knew it was Kageyama, but for some reason even I knew that anything he said wouldn’t help. So I just faced forward and continued through the match.

~

We lost the second set. And I wish I could say that we won the next one. But we didn’t. All the hope I had for going to nationals again drained out of me after that spike was blocked. I knew it could be blocked. But never before had it been blocked on the first try. Ukai took me out of the middle of the third set. And it hurt as I watched everyone else try so hard, after I had given up.

  
When the match finished Ukai and Takeda offered to take us out to eat. We all thanked them and went along for the bus ride back home and to the restaurant we ate at when we lost to Aoba Jousai the year prior. This time though when we ate, we laughed and talked. A few tears came from the third years. But the mood seemed a lot lighter this time.

  
But somehow I still couldn’t get that moment out of my head. I couldn’t let it go and I felt like crying too. But for some reason nothing would come out. I tried exchanging casual conversation with the first years but somehow it always ended with me eating in silence. And staring to a grain in the wood that looked like a clown face.

  
The team was silenced when Ennoshita stood, he smiled to all of us, “Everyone I just want to say that we had an excellent run this year. I am so proud of all of you. I know we didn’t make it as far as we did last year but we made it to the top eight and that is pretty good. I know that we wanted to win, but if you can’t loose you will never learn how to win.

  
“I want you to know that I am so happy I got to be your captain this year. And as you all know I have to pick a captain for next year,” He paused and looked over to me and the other second years. An odd sensation rose in my stomach. Captain? Who would it be? I had completely forgotten about this part about this time of year. Ennoshita continued, “I have taken into consideration a lot of things and have been thinking the entire year who would be capable of leading us next year. And I have finally made my decision.”

  
Ennoshita walked around the table and stopped behind the second years and put a hand on his hips and the other on Kageyama’s shoulder, “Guys this is your new captain. I want you to treat him with respect and follow his lead.”

  
Everyone clapped and I sat there slightly shocked. Kageyama turned a slight pink and sat with his eyes down to avoid the eye contact of everyone else. Did Kageyama know? As everyone was cheering for Kageyama I did hear Tsukishima whisper to Yamaguchi, “The king is now a ruler again.” I smirked at that but I don’t think Kageyama heard.

  
The team continued to eat and eat until we couldn’t anymore. The mood seemed to lighten tremendously after the news of the new captain went around. Even I forgot about my spike for a while.

  
Then after what seemed like hours Ukai bid us all farewell and we started off on our paths home. I started walking back to the school to get my bike when Kageyama jogged up next to me.

  
“Oh hey, aren’t you going home?” I asked looking down to the dirt in front of me.

  
“Actually,” Kageyama said and grabbed my jacket, “I wanted you to come with me.”

  
“Come with you?” I asked looking up to him, “To your house?”

  
“Yea, I wanted to talk to you,” Kageyama replied. I just nodded. We did walk back to the high school first. I did need my bike after all. But then we walked back to Kageyama’s house.

  
When we arrived Kageyama called out to his parents. No one replied. He shrugged. We were there alone. I thought of something but quickly pushed it out of my head as we walked up the stairs to Kageyama’s room.

  
He dropped his bag on the floor and then sat on the edge of his bed. I sat in front of him on the floor and sighed, “So what do you want to talk about?”

  
He frowned, “Hinata I want to talk about the match.”

  
“Why?” I asked quickly. I looked away from Kageyama frowning.

  
“Because, I wanted to ask if you were ok? You really let that block get to you. I don’t want you to pull an Asahi,” He stated trying to sound light.

  
“I am not going to quit,” I mumbled, I turned back to him, “I am just upset. That has never happened to us before.”

  
Kageyama shrugged, “Yea it hasn’t but we have to be able to move on from those kinds of things. They can’t destroy you for the rest of the match. We could have won today.”

  
“But we didn’t,” I stated sourly.

  
“You heard what Ennoshita said we can’t always win, we have to lose sometimes,” Kageyama stated quietly.

  
“I know,” I said pulling my knees up and setting my chin on top of them. We both sat in silence a moment before Kageyama broke it.

  
“Can you promise me something?” He asked. I peered up to him and nodded, “Can you never do that again?”

  
“What?”

  
“Can you promise me that you will never break down again if you are blocked? Can you promise me that you will always fight? Can you promise me that I won’t regret asking to always play on your side? Can you promise me that you will never lose your will to fight even if we don’t win?”

  
I had never heard Kageyama get so emotional over something before, “Umm I…” I don’t know why but thoughts went through my head a moment. Mostly it was me just replaying how I felt after that ball got blocked. And what I could have done after. Instead of it bringing me down I could have shot back up….

  
I stood up and smiled, “I promise Kageyama!”

  
“Do you?” He asked leaning forward on the bed slightly and reaching for my hands.

  
“Yes,” I replied bending down slightly and kissing him lightly on the nose, “I promise you won’t regret anything. I promise I won’t let you or the team down again… Captain.”

  
Kageyama smirked at the last bit, “Well you are going to be co-captain you know that?”

  
My eyes widened, “Really!?”

  
Kageyama grinned, “Yes, I wouldn’t want Tsukishima to be the co-captain now would I?”

  
I laughed, “No of course not, although that would be quite the sight to see.” We both stayed there laughing a moment the mood lightening tremendously. Then we both sighed and it felt like a super cliché moment. We stopped and stared into one another’s eyes. I felt my cheeks heat up.

  
Kageyama pulled on my hands so that I stumbled forward slightly, I was now mere centimeters away from Kageyama. He was sitting so his face came up to about the middle of my abdomen. I felt like my breathing stopped. I tried to focus and tell myself to relax but for some reason everything just wouldn’t work.

  
“You ok?” Kageyama asked quietly and moved his hands to the hem of my shirt.

  
I swallowed and let my hands fall to my sides, “Yes.” It was hardly a whisper but Kageyama understood. He heard me. He always did.

  
Carefully Kageyama lifted my shirt and pulled it off of me. I knelt down to help, I didn’t have to kneel that far but Kageyama smiled as I did so. When the sweaty uniform was off and several feet away on the floor we both leaned into one another and kissed. Slowly, sweetly. It was only the start after all.

  
But then everything went so quickly. I pushed harder into Kageyama and ended up straddling him on the bed. We sat their making out, tongues colliding, hearts racing, hands running through hair and tracing up sides. We both leaned back and gasped for air. I tugged Kageyama’s shirt off. I kissed his neck and down his shoulders. Kageyama pulled me back. We were laying on top of one another.

  
Kageyama laughed lightly, “You want to do this?” I smiled and nodded. And somehow this ended up being something incredible. This was skin-to-skin contact and explore places that made both of us want more. This was tugging at bed sheets and moaning softly into the empty house. This was kissing when it was over. This was falling in love with someone more than I ever thought possible. This… Well this was wonderful.

***

“Remember that night. Remember this? Remember how you said that you would always remember this? Remember how you said that we would be together long enough to always experience this? But… We didn’t.”

***

Our third year well… It was an interesting year. It started out better than our second year. Kageyama greeted the second years with a forced smile and tried to seem as friendly as possible to our new first years. I tried to get Kageyama to act like a nice human but he did come off a little more of a strict captain than Daichi and Ennoshita came across as. But that was just Kageyama.

  
It certainly was strange without Nishinoya and Tanaka there to liven up everything. And it was odd to not have the calming words of Ennoshita anymore. It just felt odd that it was only two years ago I came running through the gym doors shocked to find Kageyama at Karasuno, but now, I am so glad that he did come here. I was so grateful for the fact that we knew each other before coming here and so glad that we were enemies. Because I think if we had never been enemies we never would have become friends. We never would have become a couple.

  
The beginning of our third year progressed on without much trouble. The now second year with gray hair was our new libero. More first years joined. The blonde second year was practicing harder than ever to take a spot as one of the setters. Kageyama and I had managed to perfect our freak duo over the past few years and now it was practically unstoppable. Tsukishima was an outstanding player now that he cared. And Yamaguchi was a strong regular. It was certainly wonderful that we all had gotten so far but yet every day after another strong practice I couldn’t help but miss that team that went to nationals my first year.

  
Occasionally though some of them would show up and join practice matches. In fact about two months into school Daichi, Asahi, Suga, Nishinoya, Tanaka and Ennoshita all waltzed into practice one day. Ukai was ecstatic and I could hardly contain myself I launched between the ex-players shouting hellos. Ukai let them join in on the practice and then offered a game against the former players. Of course we all agreed to the idea. Yamaguchi joined the former players side as they were short one but he was happy to not be the one forced to flip the score anymore.

  
The other team consisted of Kageyama, Tsukishima, our new libero, the blonde second year, two new first years and me. I couldn’t wait. It had been so long since we had played with and against the once third years, that I could hardly contain myself. But I was the third year now and I needed to look a little more mature.

  
The match began it felt like old times except the old team was separated and at times when we would score and the older kids wouldn’t it felt weird to celebrate without them. But it certainly was fun trying to block Tanaka’s wild spikes, and Asahi’s ace spikes. It just felt like something had been missing for a while and now it was finally complete.

  
Our side won the first set and we were pumped up to win the second set. However, a turn of events changed the rest of the evening and the next hours of my life.  
We were on the side drinking water before the start of the second set. I was about to say something to Kageyama about how we were able to blow through so many blocks with our new and improved quick, but Kageyama was leaning heavily into the wall. My face faltered, no one seemed to notice that their captain was clearly struggling a lot more than he should to be breathing. It was only one set. And our stamina, especially us third years had grown tremendously.

  
I cautiously walked over to Kageyama and set a hand on his shoulder, he wasn’t looking at me but he was looking at the floor, “Kageyama,” I whispered hoping he would at least look up, but he didn’t. He was shaking heavily. And his breathing was very uneven.

  
Alarms that had never gone off in my head were blaring loudly in my ears. I stepped between the wall and Kageyama trying to look at his face, “Kageyama!” I spoke louder now, but now that I could see his face I wished that I hadn’t. Kageyama looked like he was in a terrible amount of pain. His facial expression was strained his lips were just barely parted but his huffs of breath were extreme. He was trying so hard to breathe. His face was slowly becoming more and more pale.

  
I grabbed Kageyama on the sides of his face, “Kageyama what’s wrong?!” I was very aware that I was shouting, but I didn’t care. Something was wrong. Clearly very wrong.

  
Tsukishima sighed, “Enough with the affection you two…” But even Tsukishima’s asshole of a comment drained off as he stared at us. He could tell too. Something was wrong.

  
Suga was at our side followed by Ukai and Takeda. Suga grabbed Kageyama’s shoulders and assisted him to stand. But Kageyama cried out in pain and leaned farther into the wall. Everyone’s eyes widened in horror. I could feel tears threatening to break out of my eyes. What was wrong?

  
Ukai gripped Kageyama’s shoulder, “Kageyama! Let us help you.”

  
Tears were now streaming down Kageyama’s face and he was looking weakly at me, “I…”

  
It was all that he got out because just after that his eyes rolled back in his head and Kageyama went limp. We all scrambled to hold him up as he fell into me and the wall. So many things happened at once.

  
Ukai told Takeda to call an ambulance. He told me and Suga to help him carry Kageyama to the clinic. He told everyone else to go. And I felt like I was frozen yet I was moving and carrying Kageyama but it didn’t feel like I was. Someone else had control over me as we ran to the clinic. When we got there I just stood at the head of Kageyama and stared at him. This couldn’t be happening. Kageyama didn’t break. He was strong. He was a fighter. He was mine and I couldn’t lose him.

  
Suga stood next to me and set a hand on my shoulder, “He will be ok Hinata.”

  
I looked to Suga and instantly I burst into tears and dove into his open arms, “How do you know?”

  
Suga tightened his embrace, “I don’t know. But I do know Kageyama and he will want to be fine.”

***

“Remember… the practice… That our team came back-“ I coughed and held back the tears, “You… Fainted… You were supposed to be the strongest one… And you were supposed to wake up and be fine… But when you woke up you weren’t.”

***

Kageyama was taken to the hospital that evening. We were told to leave him be for now. Ukai canceled practice for the rest of the week. He even canceled a practice match we were supposed to go to. But it wouldn’t have mattered. I couldn’t force myself out of bed anyway. I missed school. But Yachi brought me my homework and notes. She would smile I would thank her and take the homework to my room and then toss it in a pile next to my desk.

  
My parents and sister left me alone and for that I was forever grateful. I wanted to be alone. But the team still sent me text messages they told me it was going to be ok. But it was so hard for me to believe them. I stared at each message and read through them but never replied. What could I say? I didn’t want to pretend to believe them. Because even though I truly wanted to believe that Kageyama was going to be all right I just couldn’t accept it.

  
A week passed and then there was a knock on our door. My mother let the person in and they came to my room. It was Coach Ukai. He knocked on my door and then came in. He found me lying on my bed facing the wall. He sat on the bed. It was weird, my Coach in my house.

  
“Hinata,” he started softly, “Last year when Kageyama almost quit it is because he had the genes for a horrible heart condition. He found out, because his grandfather passed away suddenly from the same condition. Kageyama was tested, it was positive. His parents told him to quit because physical exertion only worsens the condition. But I guess he just couldn’t leave…”

  
I can feel tears already burning down my cheeks. That idiot. Of course he would have some horrible heart condition and not say. He would be the one to make it worse just to play volleyball. I clench my body in on itself and hold back the cry of tears that is dying to escape.

  
Ukai sighs and continues, “He thought that because nothing had happened so far he could continue on without much treatment. Which… Unfortunately was not the right thing to do. Honestly… Kageyama is lucky he is still alive. He had what you might call a heart attack the other day at practice. He… Is ok, they said we can go see him now, I wanted to tell you first because you need to see him first.”

  
I let more tears leak from my eyes and cough, Ukai sets his hand on my shoulder, “I am sorry Hinata.”

  
I just lie there and cry, I don’t know what to say. But Ukai stays in the silence. And I don’t mind because honestly I would feel alone if he left. He is making this easier. And honestly I don’t want this to be any harder than it already is.

~~~

I feel tacky walking into the hospital with flowers. But it is what you are supposed to do isn’t it? Flowers. Get well soon cards. Balloons. It is all what you leave someone when they are sick. But I decided a few daisies would be good enough. Kageyama would probably get annoyed with anything else. I can almost feel the corners of my mouth rising as I ride up an elevator. But they fall just as the doors to the elevator open. Because it is in that moment that the reason why I am there floods over me.  
I take hesitant steps out of the elevator and grip onto the flowers for dear life. Kageyama is now on a cardiac floor. He had spent the last few days in ICU and they don’t let many people there and that is why no one was able to go see him. I sigh and walk to the desk buzzing with people in blue scrubs and white lab coats.

  
A blonde with glasses looks from her computer and gives a reassuring smile, “Can I help you?”

  
I find my voice somewhere deep inside me, “I am looking for Kageyama Tobio…”

  
The nurse nods and looks past me at a white board on the wall, “Oh yes Tobio, he is in room 513, it is just down the hall that way,” she smiles and points in the direction of Kageyama’s room. I nod and start that direction.

  
As I walk it feels like my feet are stuck in mud. Everything feels heavy my heart is beating far too quickly and my vision is blurring. I am about to cry. No. I shake my head. Kageyama is going to be ok. That is why he is here. Not in ICU. He is fine.

  
I pass the doors. 511. 512. Then I am right there. In front of 513. Kageyama is behind this door. My hand shakes as I reach it out in front of me. I almost debate running back the way I came. I don’t know if I can handle seeing Kageyama weak and sick. That isn’t how he is supposed to be. He is strong, loud and rude. I bite down on the side of my cheek and knock once on the door.

  
As I do the door opens. A nurse in blue scrubs looks to me and smiles. I fly backwards and instantly shout an apology. The nurse holds up her hands and tells me it is ok. She motions for me to go in. I do and she backs out. She closes the door as she leaves.

  
The room is small, but sunlight from a lone window is pouring in. My eyes instantly move from the only source of light to Kageyama. He is lying far back in the hospital bed. He has oxygen tubing running from his nose. He has at least two IV’s running from each arm and he also appears to have several leads going to his chest. His eyes are closed and his mouth is hanging open. A soft beeping is coming from the monitor on his right side.

  
Slowly I inch towards his bed. I don’t know if I should wake him up or not. I take a chair that is on the left side of him. I realize now that I am griping for dear life onto the daisies. I also realize I don’t have anything to put them in. But that’s probably ok as I look to them it looks like maybe I squeezed the little life left of them out. I stare around the blank room a moment before looking back to Kageyama.

  
He looks peaceful. But he looks to be in pain as well. His breathing catches slightly with each inhale and exhale. And his eyes squint tighter every now and then. Without a second more of hesitation I reach my hand out and set it carefully in Kageyama’s. He doesn’t move. But his face relaxes slightly.

  
I speak softly it is hardly even a whisper, “Kageyama… It’s me… That dumbass Hinata. You know though you are kind of the dumbass,” I laugh a little to myself but then I can feel tears burning in my eyes, “You should have told someone… At least me… I know we said we weren’t fighting each other anymore but… Now it’s like you lost and-“

  
A sob escapes me as I continue, “And I don’t want this to be how I win.” I lean forward my head resting right next to Kageyama’s hand and I continue to cry harder. I squeeze for dear life onto the flowers in one hand and Kageyama’s hand in the other.

  
Something squeezes my hand back, my head shoots up. Kageyama is awake now and he is staring at me. When I look at him the corners of his mouth lift every so slightly.

  
My mouth forms the widest grin and I must have looked like an idiot with my tear stained and snot covered face with that smile on my face, because Kageyama starts to laugh.

  
“Kageyama!” I mean for it to be louder but my voice is trapped under tears and a happiness that I cannot explain.

  
Kageyama whispers, his voice scratches through his throat, “Hey…”

  
“Kageyama!” I stand up and take my hand from his and launch up on the bed and into him and wrap my arms around his neck, “Kageyama!”

  
Kageyama shifts uncomfortably, “Oi dumbass don’t rip my IV’s out!”

  
I shoot backwards making sure I haven’t done any damage then lean back into Kageyama, “I am so happy you are ok.”

  
Kageyama sets a hand weakly on my back, “It’s nice to see you too.”

  
We sit wrapped in embrace for a while longer before Kageyama speaks again, “What is in your hand?”

  
I pull away and feel my face heat up as I stare at the mess that the daisies have become, “Oh I brought you flowers… But I kind of killed them on the way here.”

  
“Only you would,” Kageyama says rolling his eyes.

  
I frown and toss the flowers onto the bedside table, “Ya well I was so worried about you I probably would have killed anything on the way up here.”

  
Kageyama glances away from me, “You don’t have to worry about me.”

  
I grimace, “Kageyama, yes I do have to worry about you! Ukai told me you have a serious heart condition and you have known about it for a while! Why didn’t you say something!?”

  
Kageyama looks not back to me but to the space between us, “My parents really did want me to quit our second year. And I almost did but then you said those things and it was before we said we were done fighting each other and I couldn’t let some silly disease make me lose.”

  
I feel anger wash over me but I try not to let it show but it comes off harsher than I intend, “You idiot! You could have died… What good is loosing to me if you aren’t even alive!?”

  
Kageyama glares up at me and I can see something shinning in his eyes. Instantly I hold up my hands, “Kageyama! I didn’t mean it-“

  
Kageyama holds up a hand, “No you’re right… it was pretty stupid. But I couldn’t imagine not being able to play volleyball. I couldn’t imagine not being able to play with you all again. So after you yelled at me I spoke to my mother. I got permission to play; they were going to start looking for another heart in the mean time, as the condition wasn’t horrible yet.

  
“But I wasn’t supposed to push myself as much as I did. I ended up only making it worse and more than once the doctors threatened to make me quit but my mother didn’t let them, I didn’t let them. I kept playing. I know I should have stopped. It got worse after the spring tournament. But I was captain…”

  
Kageyama stops and tears begin to run down his face. I move closer to him and pull his head into my chest, “Kageyama… I think you should have at least told us… Then we could have known… Not knowing what was wrong with you that was the scariest part.”

  
Kageyama takes a heavy and shaken breath, “Well no one ever cared before…”

  
I pull back and stare at Kageyama and take my hands and place them on either side of Kageyama’s face, “How could you think that now? Did you really think that no one cared about you anymore? Did you think I wouldn’t care?”

  
Kageyama set his hands on mine and spoke weakly clearly trying to hold back tears, “I didn’t want you to worry.”

  
I try to smile but I can feel my own tears threatening to break free, “Kageyama I am more worried now than I ever would have been if you had just told me.”

  
Kageyama doesn’t speak again. And neither do I because in that moment Kageyama sets his forehead into mine and begins to cry. He cries hard and I can’t help but cry too. My hands move from his face to around his middle and we are crying into one another’s shoulders. I don’t bother to ask when Kageyama is coming back. I don’t want to know right now. I just want to be with Kageyama. I want to be with him forever. I want to hold onto him and never let go, because I don’t know what will happen to him when I do.

~~~

Kageyama is forced to stay at the hospital due to the fact that he is on a waiting list for a new heart. He is fairly close to the top of the list because his heart has only gotten progressively worse. The fact that he continued to be so aggressive on his heart is the real problem. Had he stopped when he was told, he may have been able to only have a minor surgery and been ok. But now he has to have his entire heart replaced. And now the inter high is approaching and our official setter is in the hospital.  
The blonde second year is now our setter. I will commend him for actually stepping up his game and becoming a truly incredible setter. Sure the freak quick is out of the question but he still can do quick tosses and does a fairly good job at bringing out the best in everyone.

  
We breeze through the first day of the inter high, but it doesn’t feel right without our captain. Without our setter. Without Kageyama. Our last match ends and we leave for the day.

  
I decide to go to the hospital. I arrive there about the same time that Daichi and Sugawara do. Our old teammates had constantly been dropping by to visit Kageyama ever since that unfortunate night weeks ago.

  
I wave to the pair of them and they wave back. Daichi smiles as I join them on the sidewalk, “I heard you won all the matches today?”

  
I grin, “Of course, couldn’t let you down captain.”

  
Suga laughs, “I am sure Ukai is proud of you all.”

  
I sigh, “He is…”

  
Suga frowns and sets a hand on my shoulder, “What’s wrong Hinata?”

  
I fight back the urge to cry and quickly wipe at my eyes, “It’s just not the same without Kageyama.”

  
Suga gently squeezes my shoulder, “I know. But Kageyama will be up and out of here before you know it. Especially if he hears that you are already doing so well in the inter high.”

  
Daichi nods in agreement, “Well if I know Kageyama he will jump out of that bed and threaten to play tomorrow.” We laugh as we enter the hospital and make our way to the fifth floor. By now after weeks of making this trip the path to Kageyama’s room is somewhat engrained in my mind. I move by muscle memory and one subconscious knock without waiting for a response and we are in Kageyama’s room.

  
But as we enter I know something is wrong. And it is not the fact that the bed and Kageyama are missing that gives it away. But I can actually feel the dread and uncertainty crawling through the air.

  
I walk into the now spacious room due to the lack of bed in the middle of it and turn around slowly, “Where is he?” I ask the question more for myself but Daichi and Suga both are rooted at the door staring in confusion. I walk to the bedside table hoping to find a note. Kageyama knew that we were coming. He should have left something. But all that is there are those dead withering daisies. Apparently Kageyama had been very rude to several nurses about keeping them. Tsukishima even made fun of Kageyama one day when he decided to show up. Since Kageyama threw away all of the other flowers in the room the seconds one started to wilt while he kept those damn daisies.

  
I stare at the flowers a moment longer before a soft knock makes me and the other two turn, it is a nurse she smiles weakly at us, “Kageyama was moved to ICU,” she hands a piece of paper to Suga, “This is the room.”

  
I fly forward to the nurse, “ICU?!”

  
The nurse nods but backs up half a step, “Yes… He is moving up the list for a new heart. His condition worsened this morning… We are hoping for a surgery in the next few days.”

  
I can feel my own heart failing. And then I instantly feel Daichi and Suga’s hands on my shoulders. It is like they just know that I am about to break apart. I don’t know how but they always knew everything about all of us. It was some crazy parental intuition that neither Ennoshita nor Kageyama had.

  
Suga thanks the nurse and the three of us make our way down to the first floor. The ICU is a lot quieter than the cardiac floor. Most of the patients are in comas or unresponsive. In ICU they only allow two people at a time into the room and when we arrive we find that Kageyama’s mother is already in the room.

  
She sees us as we approach the nurses desk and quickly makes her way out of Kageyama’s room and over to us. She pulls me into the tightest embrace I have ever experienced. She then pulls away from me and smiles to Daichi and Suga.

  
She speaks softly, “Thank you for coming. I know that you want to see him… He is asleep right now,” She pauses and looks directly to me, “I think that you should see him Shouyou.” I feel my face heat up.

  
Suga speaks next, “We can sit out in the waiting room with you.”

  
Kageyama’s mother nods and walks past me and out the door with Daichi and Suga. I watch them go and then turn back to the room that I now know for certain is Kageyama’s.

  
I walk quickly over to the room and enter as quietly as I can. I can feel my heart stop as I stare at Kageyama. He has a mask to breathe and not just the tubes. More IV’s are in his arms. More wires are sprouting out from underneath the dressing gown. And his face is sunken in and he is extremely pale. I want to cry but I know I can’t.  
I take a seat on the edge of the bed and fold my hands in my lap. I sniff softly and stare up to Kageyama. I just want to go back in time. I want to go back to the day that I ran into the gym and shouted at him for being there. I want to go back and tell him to take care of himself.

  
I want to go back to when I first hit a serve into his head. I want to tell him that life will hit him just as hard and if he doesn’t listen and that he will end up sick and nearly dying. I want to go back to when we lost to Aoba Johsai and tell him that if he doesn’t focus and take care of himself he will never get to win against them. I want to go back to the day that he didn’t show up to practice and tell him that it’s ok and that he needs to get better.

  
I want to go back to the day we became a couple and slap him across the face and tell him to tell me everything that is wrong with him. I want to go back… I want Kageyama back. I wish that I had known, because then maybe instead of staring at Kageyama struggling for life, right now we could be sitting at his house planning out how we would play in matches tomorrow. But now I know that I will be lucky if Kageyama ever gets to play with me again.

  
Kageyama shifts in his sleep his eyes flutter open a moment and I move forward trying to smile, I can’t tell if Kageyama notices or not but his gaze stays on me a moment and then he rolls his head to the side and falls back asleep. The tears that have been hiding inside of me for so long finally break out. I can’t handle this. I stand and run out of the room. I tear down the hallway of the ICU and out into the waiting room. I swear I hear Suga say something after me but I am far gone by the time that the words fade. I sprint up the stairs taking them two at a time. Then I stop on a random landing and stare to the wall in front of me.

  
I close my eyes and shout, “DAMNIT!” It echoes up and down the empty stairwell, or at least I hope it’s empty. Without thinking I slam my fist hard into the concrete wall in front of me. In an instant stars flow through my eyes at the immense amount of pain in my knuckles. I feel cracking that isn’t normal and I am pretty positive I just broke my hand. My spiking hand of all things.

  
But I don’t pull my fist away from the wall I leave it there and slowly open my eyes and look at my fist. Tears are streaming down my face and I don’t know if it is from the pain in my hand or the pain inside of me. My head falls forward and I quietly cry. The tears fall from my face onto the landing I am on. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I want everything to go back to normal. I want to go back to laughing with Kageyama and avoiding his side jabs. Not sitting by him in the hospital hoping that it’s not the last time I will see him.

  
As various thoughts of Kageyama and I float through my head something brings me back to alert and standing. The daisies. I look up the stairs and see that somehow I managed to stop between the fourth and fifth floor. I tear up the rest of the stairs and burst through the door nearly taking out a couple as I enter the fifth floor.  
I shout apologies as I race down the hall of the cardiac unit and back to room 513. The daisies have to still be there, Kageyama must have just recently been moved. The bed was still missing earlier.

  
However I feel my heart falter as I reach the room. A gray trashcan is sitting outside the room. I move it to the side and enter the room. A little old woman is standing by the bedside table with a black trash bag in her hand. She is holding the dead flowers in the other.

  
Without thinking I shout, “Stop!” The woman jumps slightly and then turns to face me. She looks terrified at first but she smiles after she realizes that I am not a ghost.  
“Oh hello, the patient you are looking for was-“ She begins to say but I cut her off.

  
“No I know, I am sorry but I need those flowers,” I point to the ones in her hand and slowly walk over to her.

  
She stares at the dead daisies and then back to me, “Are you sure you want these ones? You can always get fresh ones from the lobby you know.”

  
I reach her and hold out my hand, “No those ones are important.”

  
The lady laughs a little as she hands me the flowers, but she stares at my outstretched hand, “My goodness your hand isn’t looking too good.” I turn my fist over after grabbing the flowers. She is right my knuckles are all black and blue and my hand is starting to swell. I don’t really feel anything but maybe it is because I don’t want to.

  
“Yea…” I nod then look back to her, “Thank you.”

  
I leave the room and sprint back down the hall and over to the stairs. I leap down the stairs almost four at a time and then arrive back on the first floor. I race out into the lobby and then over to ICU. I reach the waiting room and find Daichi sitting there leafing through a magazine.

  
“Hinata,” He says at once dropping the magazine, “Where did you go?”

  
I hold up the flowers, “I had to get these.”

  
He raises an eyebrow, “Dead flowers?” He asks but then shakes his head a smirk forming on his lips but then he too like the custodial woman notices my hand, he jumps up, “Hinata what on earth did you do to your hand?”

  
I feel like I can’t lie to my ex-captain so I shout the truth, “I punched a wall…”

  
Daichi’s expression softens, “Look Hinata I know this is hard on you… It’s hard on all of us, but if you want to talk that is probably better than punching a wall.”  
I shrug, “Probably,” I pause a moment thinking, then say, “But I don’t know how to talk about this.”

  
Daichi walks around me and pushes me over to a chair and takes the one next to it, “This is probably going to sound silly but whatever you are feeling you have to express it or share it or else you are going to keep it inside of you and it is only going to get worse.”

  
I nod and we sit in silence for several minuets, I know that Daichi wants me to say something but I really don’t know what to say. Then what had been sitting in the back of my head all day finally comes out, “I just want to go back to every possible early moment and tell Kageyama what was going to happen. Because I feel like the only way to have fixed this was to let him know. And now….” I take several deep breaths I know that I am going to cry again, “And now… It is just too late.”

  
Daichi sets a hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently, “I know. I wish we could all go back and tell Kageyama what is going to happen… But unfortunately we can’t.”

***

“I remember wanting to go back in time, just so I could save you. I wanted you to be ok. I broke my hand,” I lift my hand hesitantly then set it back down, “But you were getting worse and there was no time and you weren’t…”

***

After I returned to the lobby Daichi and I sat in the waiting room for about an hour before Suga and Kageyama’s mother returned. They were both happy to see me but Suga became very paranoid about my hand and said I should go see someone but I said I had to see Kageyama first. His mother informed me he was still asleep but I went back there anyway.

  
It was nearly dark when I re-entered Kageyama’s room. Kageyama had his eyes closed but for some reason I knew that he wasn’t asleep.

  
“Kageyama,” I whispered inching over to him and taking a seat on his bed. Kageyama shifted and opened his eyes slowly, I grinned from ear to ear at him, “Hey how are you?”

  
Kageyama’s voice was just barely audible beneath the mask, “How do you think dumbass?”

  
I hold up the flowers, “Look I just saved them for you.”

  
Kageyama rolls his eyes slightly but smiles, “Only you would.”

  
I frown, “You were the one yelling at nurses to save them, so I got them for you.”

  
Kageyama stares at the flowers then looks at my hand, “What the hell did you do?”

  
I lower my arm and laugh lightly, “I punched a wall…”

  
Kageyama tries to force himself up I know that he is pissed, but he just ends up lowering his head further into the pillows, “You idiot… You spike with that hand.”

  
“I know,” I say softly, but I change the subject, “We won all of our matches today. I think we are going to play Aoba Johsai tomorrow and if we win we’ll probably play Shiwatorizawa.”

  
Kageyama nods, “You guys will do great… How did everyone look?” I begin to re-enact the matches down to the tiniest details and it genuinely appears to be cheering Kageyama up. When I finish Kageyama is smiling lightly behind the oxygen mask.

  
I ask my next question softly, “Kageyama… What if you don’t get a heart in the next few days…” I want to ask one question but I don’t want the answer right now, “You won’t be able to play volleyball again won’t you?”

  
Kageyama is quiet for almost two minuets before replying, “No I probably won’t.”

  
I breathe in heavily and stare up to the ceiling. Never being able to hit one of those tosses again. I can feel my hand going numb and not because it is probably broken in several places. But because I can feel that feeling dripping away. That sting that redness in my palm is fading forever to be but a memory.

  
I smile and look back over to Kageyama, “But you will get a new heart right?”

  
Kageyama shrugs, “I hope so.” Kageyama is lacking confidence and I know that he doesn’t want to admit what we are both thinking. We both know what will happen if he doesn’t find a replacement soon. And it won’t just mean that Kageyama won’t be able to play volleyball anymore.

***

“Remember when I asked you if you would ever play volleyball again? You said you didn’t know. But we both knew the answer. You never would. And you didn’t.”

***

Evidently Daichi and Suga forced me into the emergency room at the hospital I had fractured about every knuckle bone and somehow managed to break my thumb. The doctor said not to play volleyball. I only nodded. For some reason the news didn’t bother me that much. If the circumstances had been different I probably would have tried to play anyway or cried right there in front of the doctor. But Kageyama wasn’t playing and maybe we were not supposed to play together.

  
I went to the matches the next day my hand in a giant cast. Everyone was very disappointed and Ukai screamed at me for a minuet but I think that after he stopped he regretted it. I didn’t care. I told the team to be ready. I helped them get fired up and they certainly were even though their captain and co-captain were not playing.  
The boys did well even though they lost to Aoba Johsai. I watched them walk weakly off the court. I didn’t feel defeated this time though. I didn’t even play. How could I feel defeated? The second years were disappointed though, I didn’t blame them. Yamaguchi felt horrible. And Tsukishima actually looked upset too. From what I understood Tsukishima wasn’t going to play anymore after this, he was in the highest learning track and was becoming slightly overwhelmed with everything on his plate. Yamaguchi did want to keep playing but I didn’t know if I wanted to.

  
Ukai took us out to eat of course and I tried my best to enjoy the meal. But everything tasted bland and it was hard to swallow. Not to mention it was really difficult to use chopsticks with my left hand.

  
Yachi was sitting on one side of me and she spoke softly while the others were trying to get pumped up to not loose anymore, “How is Kageyama?”

  
I set down my chopsticks, and look to her, “He isn’t getting any better.”

  
Yachi looks down to her food, “I am sorry Hinata… And I know you probably wanted to play today too…”

  
I look to my hand, “No I wanted to play with Kageyama, so it’s ok.”

  
Yachi raises her eyebrows, “If you had played today and we had won would you have been happy?”

  
I feel something twisting in my gut, “Of course but it wouldn’t have been the same.”

  
Yachi sets her hand on my shoulder, “I wish that there was something that we could do.”

  
“Yea me too.”

~~~

I go to the hospital with an unlikely companion that evening. Tsukishima has decided to join me. Though Tsukishima and Kageyama are not close they are no longer constantly irritated with one another. Plus I also do think that Tsukishima does have some semblance of a heart and wants to be to Kageyama at least once in his life.  
We both make our way to the ICU in mostly silence. Kageyama is alone in his room. His mother must be out. But Kageyama is awake when we enter he is watching the TV it appears to be on the news.

  
He looks at the both of us and then back to the TV and says softly, “You lost.”

  
Tsukishima answers as we take the seats on the left side of the bed, “Naturally since your boyfriend broke his hand.”

  
I glare at him but then look to Kageyama, “It is probably my fault, sorry Kageyama…”

  
Kageyama shrugs, “It’s ok… There’s nothing you could have done.”

  
Tsukii clicks his tongue, “We could start by not punching walls the night before a game.”

  
“Tsukishima,” I grumble glaring at him.

  
He rolls his eyes then looks over to Kageyama, “I just wanted to tell you that I probably will not play anymore. Since you are the captain still I figured I should let you know.”

  
Kageyama’s eyes widen, “Are you sure?”

  
Tsukishima nods, “I don’t have volleyball is life tattooed on my ass like I am sure you do, I do have other goals in life.”

  
I am about to say something when Tsuki looks down to his hands and continues, “You know I am going to miss it quite a lot though. I didn’t think I would play as a regular. And I didn’t know I would have as interesting teammates as the two of you. Sure you two are a little too loud and all but I have truly enjoyed playing with you.”  
I gawk at Tsukishima and stand and stare at him, “Who are you and what have you done with the asshole Tsukishima?”

  
Tsukii laughs lightly, “I know… But you know I figured this might be….” Tsukii coughs I know the words he is avoiding, “I just wanted to let you two know that it has been an honor to play with you and I am thankful that you were on our team.”

  
Kageyama reaches out a hand to Tsukishima, Tsukishima takes it carefully avoiding the IV sprouting out and holds it steadily, “I want to thank you for being on my team. Even if you were a pain in the ass you truly were an important part of the team. And when you started to care you were actually a decent player.”

  
They shake hands and then their hands separate. I smile at the two of them. I never thought I would see such a kind exchange between the two of them. It is honestly kind of sweet. But it also makes my heart sink. I know that earlier Tsuki wanted to say that this might be the last time to thank Kageyama for everything and his isn’t wrong. This might be the last time the pair talk to each other. Of course I don’t want to think that, but I know that it is hidden in the back of my mind.

  
All I can say is, “That was awfully nice of you Tsukishima thank you.” I slowly sink back down into my chair. Tsukishima only nods. And that is that. The rest of the evening we spend actually laughing about our first year. Then our second year. We laugh about the memories that we built together. And we recall some things that had been forgotten sometime ago. It was nice to be laughing with Kageyama again and even if it was weird that Tsukishima was one of the ones laughing with us, somehow it felt natural.

  
We were forced out of the ICU at nine that evening, but we left with a happy wave. We walked out of the hospital and Tsukishima grabbed my arm, “Hinata,” I stop and turn to him, he has a serious expression on his face, “You know I want to thank you too, but I want to tell you first that, when whatever happens to Kageyama happens, that I will be there for you. Ok?”

  
My eyebrows rise, “You will?”

  
Tsukii sighs, “Look I know that I can be an ass sometimes, but you know I do actually care about people.”

  
“Like Yamaguchi?” I ask smiling a bit.

  
Tsukishima’s cheeks flush pink, “Shut up Hinata.”

~~~

The Inter High was over; it was time to start getting ready for the Spring Tournament. Tsukishima announced his retirement the first practice back. Yamaguchi and I decided to stay. I was made the captain and Yamaguchi was made co-captain. It was strange wearing the number one on my chest but I knew that I had to, because I knew that Kageyama wasn’t going to wear it again.

  
Every night after practice I would go to see Kageyama I would tell him about the events of the day or that night’s practice. Kageyama would listen and add his two cents when he was awake. Other times I just spoke to a sleeping Kageyama. But I didn’t mind I liked to pretend that he was still listening.

  
The week he was moved into ICU was only supposed to be a few days, they were hoping for a heart that week, but Kageyama didn’t get one. They were still waiting. But Kageyama was hanging on. Some days he looked worse than others. Some days he had more lines attached to him than others. Some days he looked like his old self. And some days I couldn’t recognize him at all.

  
I knew that everyone in the hospital that was caring for Kageyama was worried for him. He wasn’t supposed to make it this far. I think they were just waiting for the day that he either got a new heart or he just dropped dead in the bed. I wanted the new heart to come just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the latter.

  
A month flew by since the day that I punched the wall. My hand was doing much better. But Kageyama was just sick. That was all I could say anymore.

  
It was a Saturday after a practice match against some school I had never heard of. We won which was great, but like everything else at Karasuno it didn’t feel right. I entered the hospital and made my route back to the ICU.

  
Kageyama wasn’t awake when I came in. He looked worse today. His features were more sunken in than normal. His skin looked like it would peel away. And it smelled funny.

  
I came and sat on the bed. I could feel Kageyama’s cold legs through the sheets. I carefully moved up closer to Kageyama and curled next to him.

  
“Hey Kageyama,” I start slowly, “We had a practice match today.”

  
I am speaking with the echoing beep coming from the monitors, “We won. Ukai is happy. Everyone did so good. I wish that you could have at least watched. You wouldn’t believe how much everyone has improved.”

  
I look up to Kageyama’s face the oxygen mask is just barely fogging then unfogging. Kageyama looks relaxed for once though. I reach out and set a hand over his chest.

  
Tears begin dripping out of the corners of my eyes, “I really wanted to play with you again. I just wish we could have gone to nationals one more time. I want to spike one of your tosses one more time. I miss that so much. I miss having you around.”

  
A crackling startles me I look up and see Kageyama’s eyes are just open like slits, he is trying to talk, he weakly lifts a hand to the oxygen mask.

  
I look to the mask, “Take it off?” I ask hesitantly. Kageyama nods. I look out through the glass walls of the room no nurses are near by. So I lift the mask from Kageyama’s mouth. He takes a heavy breath and smiles to me weakly.

  
Tears spill out of his eyes, “I want to toss to you one more time too. I want to go to nationals with you again.”

  
I feel the tears burn down my face, “Kageyama…” It is all I can say before I fall weakly into his chest and sob on top of him.

  
Kageyama jabs my side and I look up, “Kiss me…”

  
My eyes open wide, “Kiss you?”

  
Kageyama coughs a moment before saying, “It will be our last toss.”

  
I feel my heart racing. And the beeps echoing around the room are slowing down. It is my last chance. I lean forward and press my lips to Kageyama’s. It has been a long time since we have kissed. But even though it has been months it feels natural. Our lips stay connected for what seems like years. Even though I know it could have only been seconds. Just like when he tosses that freak quick set. It goes in slow motion and lasts longer than the few seconds that it really is.

  
Then I can hear the beeping stop. I can feel Kageyama falling further into the pillow. Further from me. I know I am screaming when the nurses and doctors rush in. I know they are fighting to get me off. I know that I am gripping tightly onto Kageyama. I know that Kageyama is gone but I don’t want to leave him.

  
The doctors get me off and a nurse is holding me back as I watch through teary vision them try to bring Kageyama back. But he is already gone. That was it. That was the last toss. That was the last sting I will ever feel from Kageyama. And as they say ‘Time of death 8:30 pm,’ I collapse to the floor and can feel all the life in me drifting far far away.

***

“Remember our last toss? I know it wasn’t really a toss at all. But it was all that I had. And it is all that I ever will have. I wished so many times that I could go back and change time. But I can’t. I wish that our last toss could have been at nationals. I wish that we could have played together forever. I wish that this never happened. I wish you hadn’t of hidden all of this from us. But you did. And we didn’t get to go to nationals again.

  
“But we got to go once and it was because of you… I like to think that anyway. Thank you for being a rival, an ally, a teammate and a wonderful boyfriend. I am sorry that our time together was so short, but I wouldn’t trade any minuet of it. I wish that we got to see who won. But we didn’t. And just for the record this doesn’t count as defeating you… It never will.”

  
I close the paper and look out to everyone. Everyone claps lightly. More tears are on different faces. I take the paper and walk slowly away from the podium. The casket is closed but it doesn’t matter. I reach into my pocket and pull out a clump of withered and long past dead flower petals and I set them along with my speech gently on top of the casket.

  
I whisper softly, “Dear Kageyama, I am so sorry that this is all that we got. I really wish it could have been longer. I wanted to live and love you forever. But I guess life didn’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> Again hope that wasn't too painful... Heh... And point out errors and ya... Ummm maybe I will get back to writing fan fics again because it is actually fun.
> 
> Also if you like this and want to share could you use this link and spread it on tumblr that would be greatly appreciated [tumblr](http://missyshadix.tumblr.com/post/129193707504/i-wrote-kagehina-sadness-if-anyone-is-in-the-mood)


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